Few things hurt as much in a relationship as a lie. It is an attack on trust, a deep wound to the complicity created between the two. What should we do in these cases?
There is an undeniable fact, and that is that most of us lie. We resort to deception trivially and innocently, while others do it with a somewhat more malicious look. Suddenly, discovering that my partner is lying to me and that their falsehoods are challenging the pillar of trust hurts us and even paralyzes us. Because that’s something, no one is prepared for.
Nobody expects it. When we start an emotional relationship, we tend to pour out endless illusions, commitments, and emotions on the other. We expect everything from the loved one, and we rarely leave room for doubt, for the idea that, perhaps, that person is not what we expect. We convince ourselves that he is the love of our life, and we walk on safe ground, assuming that everything will be fine.
Until, on occasion, it happens. The first contradiction arises, the behavior out of place, the little lie that we discovered almost by chance, and that perhaps we let go. We do not want to give it importance, but soon it happens again. We realize with pain and without anesthesia that we are living with a person who lies.Read:I’m afraid of falling in love again. What can I do?
What can we do in these situations? Is that reason enough to instantly break off that relationship? We analyze it.
My partner lies to me: causes and action strategies.
In Chicago, United States, DePaul University carried out an interesting investigation in 2001. This work explains that almost 92% of people have lied to their partner at some time. However, most of the time, lying acts as a protector of the relationship itself.
Sometimes, we end up omitting or misrepresenting some information to give the other greater security and commitment to the link. For example, we tend to resort to white lies when we tell our partner that we have never loved anyone the same (despite the fact that there is the memory of other past loves that are equally intense) in our memory. These are comments that, far from attacking the couple’s trust, seek to maintain and even reinforce it.
Now, on the other side, there are undoubtedly the falsehoods that are hidden and that distort the very foundations of an affective bond. Thus, when my partner lies to me, we feel a contradiction and a deep misunderstanding. How and why has it happened? What do I do now? Let’s go deeper.Read:I’m afraid of falling in love again. What can I do?
Reason and scope of the lie
What has led you to commit that lie? What is its scope? We know that not all lies are the same and that there are some whose impact can be devastating. The most damaging lie is clearly emotional betrayal. However, in other cases, deceit can be used due to underlying problems that our partner has not wanted or does not dare to reveal to us.
Addictions, such as gambling problems or addiction to pornography, could be an example. Lying about financial debts or certain things in your family would be another case. Our first step is to assess why this lie has been reported and its scope in these circumstances. Then we must assess whether we can tolerate and handle that situation if it deserves a chance.
Recurrence in deception, was it an isolated or continuous lie?
When my partner lies to me, we suddenly discover that there are barriers between us that we didn’t know existed. Now, it may be the case that we forgive him, that we understand that behavior, and that we give him a second chance. However, it is quite possible in some cases to repeat not once but several times.Read:10 irrational ideas that break relationships
Pathological liars are abounding, and we can keep them on the other side of the pillow. You cannot have a healthy and happy relationship with someone who is dishonest, with someone who, far from respecting us, violates our trust over and over again.
You must know what type of person you are with, and communication is key.
Your partner has lied to you; it is evidence. It may be that this falsehood does not suppose an excessively serious fact; it may also that this fact is something isolated and that, for now, it has not been repeated. Now, there is the fact that we must clarify.
- What kind of person are we with? Does it fit our values? Is it someone we can put our trust in?
- Communication is decisive to solve problems; it is also that strategy to detect contradictions and agree on common goals that must be met. If the other person ends up not committing and the small or big falsehoods reappear, we will make more drastic decisions.
My partner lies to me: self-esteem is your barometer.
When my partner lies to me, I am forced to decide. Nobody wants a liar or a liar as a life partner; it is true. Thus, and in case that falsehood has not been something excessively harmful, and they have asked us for forgiveness, we must consider one aspect.
Sometimes little lies can be as painful as a big falsehood. The fact of feeling like that is understandable and respectable.
At the end of the day, the barometer to make one decision or another must be our self-esteem. Does this dishonest behavior hurt and violate me, or can I handle it? That decision is personal. Because rebuilding the relationship and repairing trust requires great energy and emotional disposition.
If we are not prepared for it, if there are doubts, fears, and uncertainties, it is better not to take that step. The person who resorts to lies does not understand the language of commitments, does not value the beauty of that trust built between two … Let’s keep it in mind, but let’s not forget if we do it too …