Some focus on their work; others desperately start a new relationship. However, none of this allows them to stop thinking about their ex-partner, about that person who left them and who continues to occupy spaces in their minds and hearts. For what is this?
Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner? A month, six months and even a year have passed, and the mind is still attached to that person, to that failed relationship that somehow conditions our present. Why happens? What kind of psychological mechanism is it that prevents us from turning the page and moving forward?
We would love to have a button that allows us to erase suffering and even certain memories at will. It would be perfect to be able to press it to achieve, at least, lower the intensity of the memory and prevent that person from occupying our thoughts in such an invasive, painful way … Because there are loves that anchor themselves to the brain and give way to obsessive and exh.
We all know or have experienced that feeling in which someone cannot completely leave a relationship. Messages keep sending each other, yearning for a response, a “seen,” at least. The person, unable to accept the situation, continues to check the other’s social networks daily, suffering from each photo to see how the ex-partner continues with his life, even starting new relationships.Read:Addicted to love
What should we do if we derive from this same reality?
Why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner?
“Help me stop thinking about my ex-partner.” Many people go to psychological therapy with this need, and they do it, of course, aware that they have reached an extreme of high wear and tear and obsession.
These are situations in which it is difficult even to function normally in almost any area of life. Sometimes, that break’s memory makes it impossible to work, enjoy moments of leisure, and think about future projects.
There are those who try to divert attention with new practices, with sports, with some self-help course. Others start a relationship in a vain attempt to forget. Likewise, some derive from alcohol consumption, drugs, or another type of equally dangerous behavior. All this already gives us a clue to the answer to that “why can’t I stop thinking about my ex-partner?”
These situations present the same psychological mechanism as that of an addiction. The brain orchestrates the same mechanics as those who cannot quit smoking or enter a betting house every day … We analyze it.Read:How Genetics Influence Intimate Relationships
Love is sometimes like a slot machine
The metaphor is not very poetic but still illustrative. There are loves that turn into an obsession, making us act like the addict who goes to a slot machine every day. One of the reasons I can’t stop thinking about my ex is the brain’s dopamine reward circuit.
When we are with our partner and everything is going well, these neurotransmitter levels are stable. We feel satisfied; we experience security, pleasure, and well-being. Now, when the break occurs, the production of dopamine and norepinephrine is drastically reduced, and then there is an alarm, despair, and withdrawal syndrome.
What we must do to end this “addiction” is to get away, break contact, stop checking their social networks, erase their number from our mobile. The more we expose ourselves or look for ways to get closer to our ex-partner, the more we will reinforce the addiction, the withdrawal syndrome, and, therefore, the suffering.
Separation Anxiety – I Love You So Much More Now!
Anthropologist Helen Fisher has spent decades studying everything related to the mechanics of love (and lack of love). Something that tells us about the eternal question of why I can’t stop thinking about my ex-partner is that a new phenomenon is emerging that he has called “attraction out of frustration.”Read:How to avoid ridiculous arguments in the relationship
They are situations in which the separation and the break awaken not only that obsession mentioned above. What is also given is an idealization of the lost and a greater need for attachment. Helen Fisher herself describes it as follows: “Separation anxiety is like a puppy away from its mother: it runs in circles, barks, and whines.”
On the other hand, studies such as those carried out at the University of Graz (Austria) tell us that this fact is more common in men. They are the ones who continue to see their ex-partners positively and even conceive that it is possible to resume the relationship. Women, on average, tend to focus on the most negative aspects to reaffirm themselves in the distance and at the end of that bond.
What can we do in these situations?
The most appropriate thing when we leave a relationship is to rationalize the reasons that have motivated it. In this way, if they have abandoned us if the other person has decided to put an end, it is that we are no longer loved, and this is something that we must assume as soon as possible.
The emotional pain and why I can’t stop thinking about my ex-partner
Ethan Ross, a professor at the University of Michigan, conducted research in which he showed that the brain interprets social rejection and partner breakup in the same way as a burn. That is, the emotional pain we suffer is similar to physical pain. This also explains why it is so difficult for us to turn the page and stop thinking about our ex-partner.
Attachment, memories of the past, and the impossibility of assuming reality feed those states in which pain, far from relieving itself day by day, becomes much more “inflamed.”
What can we do?
Every major breakup needs to go through grief. It is a stage in which to leave space for suffering, pain and then vent it. Acceptance is that step in which we detach ourselves from memories to create new ones. Giving way to a new stage with new plans and new goals is always the best option.
However, do not hesitate to request expert help when we become aware that it is still impossible for us to move forward, heal the wound and, above all, put aside those who no longer think about us.